ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
