I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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