no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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