I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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