guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
me + whiskey = a bad person
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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