my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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