Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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