Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
