How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
