I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
