At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
