HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
