why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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