He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
