when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I deserve this hangover.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
