just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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