I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
