Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
