She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
