and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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