Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
organizing the empties. That sober.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Holy sore nipples Batman
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
