He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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