Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
