Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As shirtless as possible
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
