Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
