Just fell off a train. Bad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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