Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
