Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
