why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
