she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
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Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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