I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
