Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
