I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
