We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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