I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
