can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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