question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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