Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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