my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
