It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
