Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
