i just wanna soil my oats bro
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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