The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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