I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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