you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
