I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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