apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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