i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Drunk is a universal language darling
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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