it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
