i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
