Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
