Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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