I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
