I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
