do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
