I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
