Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
