Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
